Evil jokes that will get me in
alot of trouble
52 Good Reasons Why Beer is Better than Women!
1.You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2.Beer stains wash out.
3.You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4.A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5.When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6.Beer is never late.
7.A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8.Hangovers go away
9.Beer labels come off without a fight.
10.When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11.Beer never has a headache.
12.After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13.A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another a beer.
14.If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good a head.
15.A beer goes down easy.
16.You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17.You can share a beer with your friends.
18.You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19.Beer is always wet.
20.Beer doesn't demand equality.
21.You can have a beer in public.
22.A beer doesn't care when you come.
23.A frigid beer is a good beer.
24.You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25.If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26.You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27.When you're interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
28.A beer is always satisfying.
29.A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30.A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
31.A beer does not come with inlaws.
32.No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33.To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice-box.
34.All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35.Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36.The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
37.You are never embarressed about the beer you bring to a party.
38.Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you bought.
39.Beer won't drive you to drink.
40.You can shoot a beer.
41.A beer chaser is easier to catch.
42.You don't need a license to live with a beer.
43.A tree is good enough for a beer.
44.Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45.Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46.Beer and "ice" don't mix.
47.Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation! It goes along happily.
48.Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49.Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
50.You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51.Beer never complains about a wet spot.
52.You can put all your old beers together in one room and the choice of a drunk
generation.
HAZARDOUS MATERIAL INFORMATION SYSTEM
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
*WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS*
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo.
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 188lb but known to vary from 100 to 550lb.
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1.Surface usually covered with painted film,
2.Boils at nothing, freezes with reason.
3.Melts if given special treatment.
4.Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6.Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1.Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, platinum & Precious Stones.
2.Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no good reason.
4.Insoluable in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5.Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1.Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3.Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1.Pure speciman turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2.Turns green when placed beside a better speciman.
HAZARDS:
1.Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different
locations as long as specimens do not
come into direct contact with eachother.
HANDLE AT YOUR OWN RISK
The creation of the woman
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I
have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this
beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the
beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for
you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature
I have ever created. She will be so intelligent
that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and
caring that she will know your every
mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your
every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the
heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left
testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.
Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what
can I get for a rib?...."
On an island, far far away ......
Yeah, okay, so there's three women stranded on an island. One of them finds a magic lamp,
rubs it, and a genie pops out. (No,
that's not the punch line.) The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, and since
there are three of you, you each get one
wish."
The first woman says to the genie, "I would like to be 10 times smarter than I am
right now." And, she builds a ship and sails
back home.
So then the next woman says to the genie, "I would like to be 100 times smarter than
I am right now." And again, she builds a
plane and flies back home.
The third woman says to herself, "Ha! This is EASY!" She turns to the genie and
says, "I would like to be 1000 times smarter
than I am right now!"
And, the genie turns her into a man.
Q and A
Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen?
A: Show her the way back, she must be lost.
Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen?
A: Shoot the bitch, she's getting away
Q: What do you do if your wife is 5 feet out of the kitchen?
A: Damn! I should've gotten a longer chain
Q: What does WIFE stand for?
A: Washing Ironing Fucking Etc
Q: What do a woman and a toilet bowl have in common?
A: Without the hole, they're useless
Q: Why are a woman's cootch hole and butt hole so close together?
A: So men can carry them like a sixpack
Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina
Q: Why are woman smarter during sex?
A: They have a genius plugged into them
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a woman's job.
Q: What do ya do when your wife tells you to replace a lightbulb?
A: Screw the bitch, she can do the dishes in the dark.
Q: How are women like a postage stamps?
A: You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away.
Q: How are women like floor tiles?
A: You lay 'em once and walk all over them the rest of your life.
Q: What's the extra skin around the vagina called?
A: The woman.
Q: Why do women get periods?
A: They deserve them.
Q: How many men do you need to open a beer can?
A: None, the bitch who brings it should have opened it too.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: They don't have balls.
Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: It gives them something to moan about.
Q: How are women like bowling balls?
A: You finger them, throw 'em down the gutter, and they come back for more...
Q: How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let the bitch do it by herself.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny, OKAY!?!
Q: How do you know if a ship is being captained by a feminist?
A: If the ship starts to sink, she shouts out, "Women the lifeboats!!" and she
orders all of the ship's toilet seats nailed down to
stop any incoming water.
Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a windshield in front of her face.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: Why do women change their minds so often?
A: To keep them clean.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
A: "I'll fix it."
Q: What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her
Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice
Q: What is the difference between a brick and a woman?
A: A brick doesn't follow you around after you lay it
Q: What do woman and spaghetti have in common?
A: they both squirm when you eat them
Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow disease was already taken
Q: Why haven't women been to the moon ???
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think we care
Q: What's a surefire way to make a woman orgasm?
A: Who the F#@k cares
Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!
Q: Did you here they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink
Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.
Q: Did you here that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer?
A: Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started
running their mouths and driving lousy.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who
do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Q: Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little
tenderness, and a little sympathy?
A: It means you're in the wrong house.
Q: How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
A: She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle.
Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind. 2.No business.
Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done
wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: What do you call a woman with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
Q: Why did the woman have two black eyes?
A: She had to be told twice.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Q: How are women like paper cups?
A: Both are disposable.
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a winshield in front of her face.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A: A widow.
Q: What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat?
A: A divorcee!!
Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told!
Q: Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a lightbuld?
A: Because it does, alright!?!?
Q: What's a mans idea of helping with housework?
A: Lifting up his legs so the woman can vacuum.
Q: Why did God create women?
A: Because a beer can't cook supper!
Just JOKES!
A man and a woman were stranded in an elevator together and they knew they were gonna die.
Then the woman turns to the
man and says "Make me feel like a woman before I die." So he takes off his
clothes and says "Fold them!!"
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womens sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake!!!
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
In the beginning .......God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
then God created woman. Since then,
neither God Nor Man has rested.
Did you here they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits
right over her mouth.
My ex-wife and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment plan. I make the payment and
she takes it easy.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week, it took four State Troopers and a dog.
Husband: Where do you want to go on holiday this year? Wife: I want to go somewhere I've
never been before. Husband:
Well, how about the kitchen?
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your
name..."
Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I
haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Men have their faults. But women have only two. Everything they say. And everything they
do.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my
dear wife and children. I will never forget
that game of cards...
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my
wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," the
man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool
around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff." "You are a very brave
man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big
car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow!
it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found
out..."
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I
just won the California lottery!" Martha
replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I
don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by
noon!"
Feminists--first they burn their bra and then they want support!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
In any arguement with her he always gives in. What's the use? It's just his word against
thousands of hers!
Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath
with bubbles in it. I mean, if
Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Did you hear about the new all-woman delivery company. It's called UPMS. They deliver your
package when they darn well
feel like it!
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to
a movie?
My wife ran off with my best friend..I sure do miss him!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
"Look, I'm not sexist. I'm just saying women don't know nothing." --Al Bundy
In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I was such a fool
when I married you." Retorts her husband:
"That's so true. But I was in love and didn't notice."
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes, and an apple
pie for dessert?" Husband: "No thanks,
I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband:
"Which is this?"
A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator. There is a
$10 note lying on the groud. Who
picks it up? The businessman; the other two don't exist!
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time. Jim: What
happened to your first three wives? Joe:
They all died, Jim. Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms. Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Joe: Oh, no.
She died of a broken neck. Jim:
I see, an accident. Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
Why is spousal abuse so high in America? (Start punching your fist into your other hand)
Because they just don't listen!!!
A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds. The next day he received 100
responses. They all said the same thing. "You
can have mine."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a
penny. The wife decided to make a
wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was
stunned for a while but then smiled
and said, "It really works!"
The CIA advertised for new recruits. Three men answered and went to the office for an
interview. After filling out their
applications, they were taken one at a time into another room where the interviewer told
them: "One of the requirements for
joining the CIA is that you have to prove your loyalty to us. We want you to take this
gun, go in the other room and shoot your
wife!" Startled, the first job seeker replied: "I cannot do that, we just got
married!" The interviewer then told him that he was
sorry but that he would not receive a job offer. The second applicant was then taken into
the room and given the same
proposal, to which he answered: "I cannot do that. We have been married 10 years and
we have two lovely children!" At that
point, he was turned away also. The last applicant was presented with the ultimatum in the
same monotone to which he replied:
"Sure, I will do it!". He marched into the other room. Shots were fired and then
noise came from the room as if a brawl were
ensuing, including loud screams, kicking and thumping. The interviewee returned to the
room where he was asked what had
happened. He said: "Some jerk put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her!"
Rules To Be A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)
1.Don't call, ever.
2.If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by
herself.
3.Lie.
4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as
"spike"
5.If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6.Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go out with me?
7.Drink Vernors.
8.Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10.Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11.Lie
12.Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13.Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think
you have no penis.
14.Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15.Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective
surface, check you hair, clothing,
etc.
16.If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up
with trite, meaningless explanations
like, "I don't know.I just don't like her personality."
17.If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words
and noises. Bodily noises are
permissible.
18.TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19.Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20.One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see
what she's missing and love you for
not giving up on her.
21.Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22.Say things like "Wha...?"
23.Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it
will cramp your style on picking up
chicks.
24.Lie.
25.Deny everthing. Everything.
26.Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27.If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your
female friends like you, they'll really want to
know.
28.Don't have a clue.
29.If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30.No means yes.
31.Yes means no.
32.If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at
all times.
33.If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34.Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of
a relationship.
35.Feelings? What feelings?
36.Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an
orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37.Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend
it's not true or kick some ass.
38.DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must
make a decision, stall. If you still
must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
39.Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
40.At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. if, by
chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure
you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
41.Lie.
42."Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
43.A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes,
it's really not worth it.
44.Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat
cycle.
45.Lie.
46.ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
47.If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
48.Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like
your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
49.Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
50.It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
51.Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
52.Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send
you mail, ignore it and
continue complaining.
53.Lie.
54.Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
55.Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56.If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the
desired reaction.
57.You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
58.You are male, therefore you are superior.
59.Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink
more beer. Pass out.
60.Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
61.Don't ever notice anything.
62.If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait
until the girl you are going out with
falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
63.Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
64.Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
65.Lie.
66.If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing
wrong.
67.Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about,
anyway?
68.If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
69.Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
70.Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
71.If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others.
Come up with creative and
believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
72.Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it
didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
73.If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right
near the door opens up. If this
takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will
worship your skills.
74.Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with
others.
75.Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
76.Lie.
77.General Rule: Different is BAD.
78.If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do
it, b) remind them of this huge favor
you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
79.Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
80.If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend
nothing happened. If she still
doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
81.Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but
it's bad for my nice-guy image if you
are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
82.Lie.
83.If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many
different dorms you've been laid in.
84.When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp
back then."
85.Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you
want her naked, sprawled on the
bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter.
Then drive like hell. (true story.)
86.If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right
to be upset. Because, you know,
SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
87.The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
88.Practice your blank stare.
89.Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever
you need one, you can pull it
out of your ass.
90.If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and
insanity and display them at
random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
91.If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best
to get out of it. If that
doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know
how to do it and
continuously ask questions on how to do each little part.
92.If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you
possibly can and then say, "SEE??
I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93.Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When
people ask if you've been
working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"
94.Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95.Beer. Then more beer.
96.Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97.One word: FOOTBALL!
98.Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the
species to get to reproduce ever, do
we???
99.Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100.LIE.
20 reasons why men rule the corporate world
1.Women are far too busy doing the housework
2.Men waste less time pee'ing
3.Men don't feel sorry for the company they just took over
4.Women crash the company car far too much
5.If women were allowed in the men's workplace, they'd be too distracted to do any real
work
6.Women don't look sexy in suits
7.If women ruled, the shareholders' meeting would bassically be a tea party
8.Women would keep going to the mall in their coffee breaks, spending hundreds of dollars
of company money each day.
9.A woman as owner of a company would insist on giving each employee that comes to her
pleading for more money
because of their poor family an outrageous raise
10.Men don't spend 25% of their life in front of a mirror
11.Placing a women out of their housely confinement causes it to catastrophically group
together with others and start
chatting like mad
12.Women insist on watching Ricki Lake every day
13.Most women are just stupid, courageless and weak. This is proven by the fact that men
order women's food, men ask
women for a date and men CARRY the bride over the DOORSTEP. Jeez.
14.The women who aren't stupid are blond and completely useless
15.Women have to be paid while they're off work for pregnancy
16.Coca-Cola light time takes too long
17.Women always rely on unrecogniseable hints to make something clear to someone else
18.Like women always ask the way when they're even SLIGHTLY lost, they would be asking
eachother everything all the
time at not really get anywhere
19.The world's fine as it is. Don't change a winning team.
20.Women would colour in their reports
37 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1.A beer won't make you go to church.
2.A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
3.A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
4.A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of other beers on the
side.
5.A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
"doberperson".
6.A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on yer
fave radio station.
7.A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
8.A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
9.A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an enormous
can of vegetable juice.
10.A beer won't smoke in your car.
11.Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war
zone and blowing a Korean
airliner out of the sky.
12.A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
13.A beer never fishes for compliments. Beer tastes good.
14.A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
Hits" as much as you do.
15.An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
16.A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
17.Beer never asks you to change the station.
18.A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty cents less
expensive.
19.A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste like grass.
20.You can enjoy a beer all month.
21.Beer stains wash out.
22.Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
23.Beer never makes you wait.
24.A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
25.Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
26.A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
27.Beer doesn't demand equality.
28.Beer labels come off without a fight.
29.Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
30.You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
31.A beer doesn't care when you come.
32.Beer doesn't have a mother.
33.Beer doesn't need much closet space.
34.A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy "just for the
articles".
35.Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
36.Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone else's beer.
37.When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.
9 reasons a taco is better than a woman:
1.Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat so the lid won't stay up.
2.Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
3.Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
4.Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
5.Tacos will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of
anything.
6.Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, or speculate about your next one.
7.A taco will never make a scene because there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
8.It's easy to drop a taco.
9.Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
Sex and Drug test
Add up the numbers in brackets after all the sentences you answered yes to, and compare
your score to the table below :)
1.Ever been out with a member of the opposite sex? (2)
2.Ever been kissed? (2)
3.Ever been French kissed? (2)
4.Ever been kissed while in a reclining position? (2)
5.Ever parked for more than an hour? (2)
6.Ever said " I love you"? (3)
7.Ever said I love you to more then one person in the same month? (4)
8.Ever made a member of the opposite sex cry? (3)
9.Has a member of the opposite sex made you cry? (3)
10.Ever removed some of your clothes while making out? (5)
11.Ever removed all you clothes while making out? (7)
12.Ever gone all the way? (8)
13.Ever had an abortion or been responsible for one? (10)
14.Ever been picked up by someone you have never seen before? (7)
15.Ever had sex with someone you just met? (10)
16.Ever lied to your parents about where you have been or with whom? (6)
17.Do you smoke? (2)
18.Do you drink? (3)
19.Ever taken downers uppers or both? (7)
20.Ever smoked pot? (4)
21.Ever tripped on LSD? (8)
22.Ever done cocaine or shot up speed or Heroin? (10)
23.Ever had sex without any birth control precautions? (9)
24.Ever woke up and not remember where you were or what you did? (8)
25.Ever been busted for possession of drugs? (10)
Add up the ones that you scored on.
7 or under - Innocent and Unaware
8 - 15 = Pure as the driven snow
15 - 25 = Normal and decent
25 - 30 = Passionate and heading for trouble
30 - 45 = In trouble and getting messed up
45 - 55 = Messed up but salvageable
55 and over = Condemmed
-- Courtesy of Tamera
Top 10 Reasons Compilers must be Female:
1.Picky, picky, picky
2.They hear what you say, but not what you mean
3.Beauty is only shell deep
4.When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing"
5.Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed
6.Always turning simple statements into big productions
7.Smalltalk is important
8.You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong
9.They make you take the garbage out
10.Miss a period and they go wild