The Rules for Guys
High on the bestseller lists this week is a book called The Rules a guide to
dating and courting for women that effectively advocates women, in order to snag a man,
follow a sexist and manipulative dating game based on the principles of 50 years ago.
(Except that back then, the guys knew the women were playing this game and accounted for
What follows in the same vein is a counterpart, The Rules for Guys.
First, if you're not familiar with the book The Rules here is a summary of
"The Rules" in the book, which you need to know to understand the satire. Or do
Vista Query to search for web pages discussing this book.
"The Rules" for woman
- Be a "creature unlike any other."
- Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance).
- Don't meet him halfway or go dutch with him on a date.
- Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls.
- Always end phone calls first.
- Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.
- Always end the date first.
- Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines
- Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
- No more than casual kissing on the first date.
- Don't tell him what to do.
- Don't expect a man to change or try to change him.
- Don't open up too fast.
- Don't date a married man.
- Be easy to live with.
- Don't stare at men or talk too much.
- Don't live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment).
- Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the rules.
- Do the Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
- Be Smart and other rules for dating in high school.
- Take Care of yourself and other Rules for dating in college.
- Next! And other Rules for dealing with Rejection.
- Don't discuss the Rules with your therapist.
- Don't break the Rules.
- Do the Rules and you'll live happily ever after.
- Love only those who love you.
by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
The Rules for Guys
by Elliot Feign and Sherman Schagged'er
- 1. Be a "creature unlike any other."
- However, in particular think in terms of "The Creature from the Black
Lagoon" (Universal 1954), a dark monster that conquers her. Beauty and the
Beast. Chicks love that shit.
- 2. Don't talk much to a girl (but do take her dancing.)
- She only wants to talk about relationships and girl stuff anyway. So take her dancing.
They go nuts for this. Learn enough to get by and look cool, though you won't need it much
after you have her hooked. In the meantime you can flirt with the other girls on the dance
- 3. Pay her way on the date, but expect to get back in kind.
- Buy her a nice meal, so that she knows what she owes you in exchange for the meal. In
addition, if you buy her a fancy schmancy $50 dinner at some ritzy place, she won't be
able to turn down your request for a $300 "loan" until you can "get to the
cash machine." Good investment.
- 4. Don't call her after sex.
- Make her wait a few days. Girls do this stare at the phone thing, makes them all
anticipatory. Don't give them what they want. Call her in a couple of days or if you get
horny again. Also, after sex, just roll over and go to sleep, even if she hasn't had an
orgasm yet. You did a lot of work and you're tired, and you have important work to
- 5. Always end phone calls first.
- Especially if she's read the Girl's Rules that tell her to do this, you won't have to
worry about long phone calls. I mean girls can yak so long on the phone.
- 6. Don't give her any warning about a date.
- Make sure she stays free all the time in case you call. And more to the point, keep
yourself free in case something comes up elsewhere, if you know what I mean. If you call
and she's not available, act real hurt, make it seem like you will end the relationship if
she does this a lot.
- 7. Tell her what she wants to hear (ie. Lie.)
- You like long walks on the beach. You love kids. You like to cook. You're looking to
settle down in a country home with that one special girl. You love horses, paris, chick
movies, sushi and Meryl Streep. You support her goals. Tell her you're rich, famous,
whatever. She'll figure out the more ridiculous ones eventually but if you play this right
you'll get laid first and have her captured. Don't be scared to eventually talk to her
about "the relationship" -- girls go for this. Just be sure not to believe it
- 8. Stop dating her if she doesn't put out by the second date.
- Pretend like you're not super eager to get laid but drop the hint with gentle physical
contact. It is nice to date easy chicks and all and get laid on the first date, but some
of the hottest ones like to wait a date. However, if she doesn't at least give you a
blowjob by date #2, #3 at the latest, there are better investments out there. On date #3,
remind her of the "third date rule."
- 9. Tell her you love her.
- This is the big corollary of rule #7. Don't do it right away but definitely do it if
she's showing reluctance on that blowjob. Practice saying it like you mean it. As the old
saying goes, "Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that you've got it made."
- 10. No more than casual sex on the first, or 100th date.
- Definitely don't get too involved, as she might ask to be monogamous or something. Make
sure that you never let yourself get tied down.
- 11. Tell her what to do.
- Hey, in the end they all want to be dominated. So make all the decisions and see how she
goes for it. If so, you can probably get this to continue in the bedroom. No girl is
perfect, but most of them like to please a man so you can change the one(s) you have to
fit your needs.
- 12. Be the bad boy.
- Girls love the "bad boy." They hope they can "reform" him, or
they're a case of point #11 above. Either way, you can be as bad as you like. Treat her
like she doesn't exist. Be mysterious. Dangerous. Wear cuffs and a leather motorcycle
jacket, even if you drive a Hyundai. (Park the Hyundai somewhere else and walk to where
you meet her, though.) Remember, nice guys don't get laid.
- 13. Don't let her know anything she can pin on you.
- Girls like to get close to their guy, and "communicate." But later, if you
break up, she might try and get back at you so for crissake don't let her know anything
she could use or spread to others. Invent deep intimate stuff you can tell her in bed,
she'll go for it. If you can't think up your own, buy one of those books with Fabio (the
guy from the "I can't believe it's not butter" commercials) on the cover and be
one of those guys. (God, this guy can't tell butter from margarine and chicks swoon over
him? Something strange going on here.)
- 14. Don't tell her you're married!
- For some reason they get really upset. When you take off your ring, get some tanning
lotion or put your hand under a sunlamp to make sure it's not visible where you took it
off. Or tell your wife you just don't want to wear a ring; invent some sort of bizarre
hand disease or rice picker accident. Anyway even the ones who haven't read the Girl's
Rules don't want to date married guys so don't let her (or your wife) know.
- 15. Be a pain to live with.
- Well, this isn't a thing to so much try to do as a reminder to be yourself. If you shack
up, don't alter your own life just to make it easier for her. One exception, which is
admittedly a royal pain, but worth it -- put the toilet seat down after you take a wizz.
She sees that and she'll think she's found god's gift to girls, and she'll give you better
sex than a $300 hooker. Compare -- 5 seconds of your time each day to put down the seat
vs. $300 blowjob. No brainer!
- 16. Don't get caught staring at her tits or other girls'.
- For some reason girls don't like it when we stare at their tits when we talk to them.
And they don't like us staring at other girls' either. As if we have a choice! Anyway,
they're watching for this so don't get caught. Check their eyes, then do your looking.
- 17. Don't let her leave your things in your apartment.
- Or give her a key, until you're sure you can count on her for very regular nookie.
Otherwise they might try to insinuate themselves into your life before you are sure of
- 18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still can play around.
- I mean, do they own you or something? This rule is the most fun.
- 19. Do The Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
- Truth is, you're getting laid, and they are just jealous.
- 20. Don't give her the ring, but make her think you will -- or give her a fake
- Drop hints and pretend like some day you want to be married to her, but don't actually
do it. You can even get engaged if you want to lock in some regular pussy. There's no law
that says you actually have to follow through with the ceremony. Plus, it takes an expert
to tell cubic zirconia from a diamond, and if she takes her ring to an expert she clearly
doesn't trust you and is a lost cause anyway. You can get one of these rings for about
$100 and trust me you'll get a fuck worth far more than that out of it.
- 21. Double check the birth control.
- There's a trade off here. On one hand you don't want to use condoms, so get her on the
pill ASAP. On the other hand if she runs the birth control she might blindside you with
something annoying like a kid just to hook you. You decide. If she gets pregnant, take the
new "morning-after" pill for guys. (It alters your blood type.)
- 22. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with girls.
- Like I need to explain this one to you? Do they explain their rules to us? Thought not.
- 22a. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with your therapist.
- Because if you have a therapist you've really missed the point of The Rules for Guys.
- 23. Figure out her romantic dream.
- Almost all girls have one. In 90% of cases it's the knight in shining armour, the
handsome prince or the tall, dark and handsome mysterious stranger. Harlequin Romances
isn't exactly going broke selling girls books about how a guy comes into the girl's life
and does something as simple as fixing her car to make her life right and sweeps her off
her feet. You would be amazed at the "mileage" you can get just by taking her
car down to the shop. Though if you can find a good mechanic, let me know, OK? Anyway,
subtly find out her own personal romantic dream, and play-act it. On the cheap, of course
-- you only have to play-act. While she may dream of a billionaire who whisks her away to
his ranch in his jet, she'll settle for a $60 rental limo and a $40 1-hour rental
- 24. Sometimes ya gotta break The Rules.
- Hey, Burger King said it best. And it's a great place for a cheap date (use $4 from the
$300 she "lent" you.) But in this case I mean you gotta break the Girl's Rules.
- 25. Do The Rules girls. Yes, you can!
- If you suspect that some really attractive girl is following The Rules for girls,
take heart. I mean if she's a dog, lose her. But if she's got a great set or you have some
other reason to particularly want her, you now know her exact game and can use it to get
her. The book tells these girls to follow its rules religiously, even when they don't make
sense. You will have to wait 6 dates, but the authors do tell girls over 30 it's OK to
have sex, so they will. Forget young "The Rules" girls unless you are really
keen on virgin-plucking. You only have to date 'em once a week -- if you date them Friday
then you are free as a bird on Saturday; they'll end calls and dates; they won't call you
when you have other girls over -- a lot of advantages, and as long as you see past all the
manipulative "hard-to-get" tricks you won't be fooled, just laid.
have to check if she's a The Rules girl or just a stuck-up bitch. Sometimes it can
be hard to differentiate them. Test this by first telling her how much you admire a girl
who sticks to her principles, and then call her Thursday telling her you just got
front-row Orchestra seats to the Boston Pops (a classical musical group) concert on
Friday. If she says yes, she's the stuck-up bitch. Say, "Did I say Boston Pops? I
meant Iggy Pop!" and dump her.
If she says a reluctant no, she's a The Rules girl. The book tells them never to
accept a weekend date after Wednesday. Rush out to the bookstore to get a copy of The
Rules. You'll find it in the dating/relationships section. Since there is zero chance
you've ever gone near that section before, ask at the cashier's desk. When you get to it
you'll know why you've never been to this section before from the titles of the books. Venus
and Mars Together Forever. Men who hate women and the women who love them too much.
Like Dave Barry says I am not making this up. You're the only guy in weeks to go to this
section other than to laugh at the titles, so if you're lucky some chick might even hit on
you. But if not, go buy the book, and then read it. It's short.
Now you'll know her exact game. Problem is, as noted, it will be 6 weeks until you get
laid. Be sure you have something else on the side during those six weeks. But look at the
advantages. Other than those noted above, you'll learn that she won't bring up crap like
"marriage" or "kids" or "the relationship." She expects you
to bring these things up. Soon the book will tell her to dump you. Track this, and make
sure to start dating another The Rules girl before the breakup -- 6 weeks before
the breakup if you can time it right.
- 26. Do The Rules For Guys and you'll get laid.
- Don't forget this. You may be tempted to break them, to be "nice" or
"sensitive" or even listen to her. But everybody knows that nice guys don't get
laid. You want to be nice or in the sack? I thought so.
(A satire by Brad Templeton, who in reality thinks both sets of
rules are silly, even though they've been known to work, and that Men are from Earth and
Women are from Earth too. It's quick-fix relationship books that are from other planets.)